Loneliness after divorce can be one of the most painful things you can go through. You have spent a large part of your life having someone to lean on, someone that you saw every time you entered your home, and someone to cuddle under the covers with. Suddenly, there is no one. There is only an empty couch to lean on, an empty home to enter, and an empty, cold bed to try and fall asleep in. And when you wake up in the morning, that emptiness repeats itself all over again.
There is a way for the loneliness to get better though. A way to recognize that you are not alone. Even right now, as you read this blog post…you are not alone. Stick with me as I explain.
Hello, and welcome to my blog. My name is Sherry. I have been where you are. Even more, at the time I had to walk away from my marriage, I was told by my therapist that I was codependent. If you are not familiar with what that is, it is an emotional condition in which I had looked outward from myself my entire life for validation. I needed someone in my life to basically validate that I was worthy of anything. A codependent fears being alone, because alone, they are unable to feel loved. So, wherever you are on this path. Know that I, someone who literally needed a partner in their life, was able to walk away and learn to be okay on my own. In fact, I learned to thrive. And so can you.
One thing to grasp is that “we” count. As individuals, we count as someone extremely important in our own lives. Hollywood, Disney, and the fantasy of Happily Ever After have conditioned us to think we can only be “happy” when we find our person. In this blog, I would like to convince you that you can be that person. You can be your happily ever after. This does not mean you have to be alone forever. It simply means that once you are everything to yourself, you can feel fulfilled without someone. Your life can be amazing on your own. And later, when someone does come into your life, that person will stand by your side as someone wonderful…someone you fully enjoy…someone you fully love in addition to you, but most importantly, someone who adds to your happiness rather than someone who makes (with the ability to break) your happiness.
The trick to doing this after divorce is to put the focus back on to you. There are many ways to do this. This blog is going to cover one process that is my personal favorite. In fact, I continue to use this even today. At the end of this blog, I will provide you with a link to access five more tips for free, but for now, let’s focus on how to put your focus back onto you.
Now, this is assuming you have already cleared out the items that remind you of your ex. Memorabilia should be removed from your house. Contact should be cut off unless there are children involved. Even in a peaceful break-up where you would like to remain friends, contact should stop for a while so you can heal. Trust me, it gets you where you want to be so much faster. So, assuming you have taken those steps, let’s talk about putting you first.
It’s really a process of honoring yourself. And I’m going to list out three different ways you can do this:
If you were with someone, what would you want them to do for you today to make you feel loved?
Perhaps you love when a person gets you flowers or little trinkets. Or maybe the best thing about being with your person is snuggling next to a fire, watching a movie, eating popcorn. Maybe your favorite thing is just having someone to unload your day to. In any of these situations, you are able to be there for yourself. It may be uncomfortable at first, because you like to have these things done for you. But being everything to yourself is exactly that…everything. And after you are fully there for yourself a few times, it gets a little more comfortable and eventually it will be something you look forward to. Believe it or not, that amazing self that you share with others can totally be shared with you. So here is how the above items would present in your current life. If it’s flowers you love, go to the store or online and pick out a bouquet that makes you smile, purchase them for yourself and tell yourself how much you deserve them and appreciate what you have done for you. Movie and popcorn? Sure, perhaps you’ve been lost in movies on the couch for a month or so and it is not appealing, because it is your coping mechanism. Get up and shake yourself off. This movie night is about you, celebrating you, and treating yourself to a full-on “movie-night”. Clean up the area, get your favorite blanket and Pj’s, pop some popcorn, light the fire and pick a movie you are excited to watch.
Enjoy this time with you!! About that daily unloading. You can start a blog and just pop into it every day after work. Unload, laugh, share. Don’t want to share? Journaling is amazing. Not only can you chat about your day, but you can also unload the heaviness that is currently residing in you. Doing things like this…being there for you in the way you want someone else to be…shows you that you are someone to yourself, you can be there for you even more-so than someone else.
Simply ask yourself what will make you happy.
This one is my absolute favorite. Every. Single. Day. The moment you wake up, ask yourself what can you do today that will make you happy. It doesn’t have to be big; it can be a simple fifteen minute coffee by the window or whatever else may spark joy for 10 or more minutes a day. It is a simple daily reminder that you deserve to be happy. Even though you may not be happy right now, a small reminder every day will begin to set a pattern of finding happiness every day. You deserve that.
When you were with your person, how did you show love?
What did you do to show them that you loved them? Words of encouragement? Picking up the house? Taking them to their favorite place? Touching them? Making a special meal? You may be at a place now where you feel like you have no one to give your love to. That is so very far from the truth. You need that love that you used to give so freely to the other person. You need words of encouragement. Tell yourself how amazing you are…even if you don’t feel it, say it. You need to feel cared for, so whatever it is you do to show someone you love them, do that for you. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be happy…even now…especially now.
Wonderful person, you are not alone. You have you. When you walk into a room filled with your family or friends that love you, are they not happy to see you and spend time with you? That is because you, my friend, are special and are wonderful to be around. Share that amazing part of you with yourself. When you take time to actually “be” with you, it is a love like no other. It is empowering and fulfilling all in one. It may take a little time to fully embrace the concept I have laid out in this blog. One small step at a time and suddenly, one day, you will not even notice that you are no longer lonely.
Want more tips on getting through this transition? Click HERE or the image below.
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